This blog entry is dedicated to my beloved Mother, Stephanie, who passed away 6 months ago... she was always worried that I would keep my emotions bottled up forever and never express myself. This blog is one way of letting her know that she doesn't have to worry about that anymore.
Where do I even start talking about the relationship that I had with my Mother? People know that we were close, but that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. I was always clinging to her as a little kid - major separation anxiety when I was away from her - crying until she was present again. As I've grown up and talked to more families, I've realized that was actually a pretty natural and common thing, despite what I had been told as a kid - who knew? But the thing that most people don't know is that during my pre-teen years, it wasn't always that way. With her being a teacher by trade, my first teacher, we butted heads a LOT. Admittedly, I was a little bit bratty (OK, maybe a lot - happens as an only child of 10+ years), a little selfish and a know-it-all - luckily for everyone at least 2 of those things have changed for the better from then until now! (If you're keeping score, I'll always be a know-it-all, BUT even that I've been able to manage to a certain extent over the years.) Things definitely were the worst for me and my Mom during the dreaded adolescent years from about age 10 to 13 - you really couldn't tell me anything back then or get me to listen - I thought that I did everything right, so why did anyone need to tell me what to do? But then, 2 things happened that changed my perspective around the same time - 1, my brother came along when I was almost 11... that downshifted my selfishness meter pretty significantly. 2, not long after, my Mom and Dad separated for the first time a couple years later. I mention both of these because these are the events that shaped the relationship between me and my Mother for the rest of our lives.
The 2 things are definitely intertwined, and with me coming into my adolescence, it was the perfect confluence of events that led me to my first moment that changed me from the kid I was back then to transitioning into the man that I would eventually be. When my parents separated, I didn't realize how much it affected my Mom for a few months. I kept my behavior pretty consistent with what it had been, until I started to realize how much my attitude started to affect her. One day, after a mild argument, I saw her break down into tears. From what I can remember, it was the 1st time that I ever saw my Mother cry - I thought she was the toughest person in the world and nothing that I said could ever affect her.
1st moment - Something about that incident made me realize that she needed my help... that I needed to change... I needed to grow up, really... I needed to let her know how much I cared - not by words but by actions. And guess what? I did. I curbed the talking back, no more bratty behavior... needed to learn how to stop being so selfish and learn from her example how to be selfless and put the people that I care about before me. From that day forward, I had to "man up" and become more of a helper... take care of, and look after my little brother... help my Mother with whatever I could contribute, and it changed me for the better, no doubt. You know what else? To this day, I can't recall a single incident when my Mom and I had a fight or even the slightest argument. Over 20 years!!! She saw the change in me too, respected and loved how much things had changed - we had an appreciation for each other that tends to only come about from adversity. And from then on, our relationship could not have been better.
We also had a non-verbal connection. We didn't always need to express what we were feeling in words - I never had to verbalize to her what I was trying to do to help, she just knew. That would continue later in life when my parents divorced in my early 20s - she didn't need to tell me she needed my help again, I just knew what I had to do in moving back home temporarily to help her. And when she initially got sick 4 years ago, I took a sabbatical from work because I knew she needed my help again. She never asked me for anything, I just knew that I wanted to help, and do whatever was in my power to help. Eventually in her last few years, we did start talking more and more about these moments, and we were in complete agreement about how important those moments were to us, and had actually spent a lot of time thinking about it. That sort of bond is something that elevated our relationship even beyond the typical mother/son relationship - it's difficult to explain, but hopefully I've gotten close.
Dealing with her death has been hard - harder than anything else that I've had to go through my entire life. I haven't cried this much since those early years. Even though she had been trying to prepare me for some time that the day would come at some point, NOTHING prepares you for when it actually happens. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about being in the hospital on her last day, holding her hand moments before, during and after she passed away. Knowing that I've been holding her hand since I was a baby, and that I'd never have the chance to do that again. It was the worst day of my life. The physical bond that we had was gone, her life was over. It hurts, almost to the point of physical pain... like a piece of me was ripped away - it's difficult to describe, and something that I hope I never feel again. It's heartbreaking... it's not fair... for someone who was so kind to so many and gave so much of herself to others, to go through what she did, and to be taken from us far too soon - it just didn't seem right at all... it still doesn't sit well - it never will. It gets to the point where you feel a bit of anger about it, but anger isn't what she's about - it's never been what I'm about - never have, never will. It's not fair, but life always has a hint of unfairness just about at all times. Someone is always getting the raw end of a deal - I learned that at a young age... it just happened to be us this time around.
You start to realize after someone is gone how much you relied on them for things - but how do you recover from losing the person that you relied on for almost everything? My Mom was everything to me for a very long time. She was my biggest supporter and advocate, my biggest fan - you couldn't possibly have a better advocate than her. She literally made me feel like I could go and do anything that I set my mind to. But no matter what I did, my accomplishments meant nothing if I didn't get there with honesty, integrity and doing things the right way - you can't compromise that for anyone. She *empowered* me. And I've realized that outside of love, empowerment really is one of the most powerful gifts that you can give to your child. And you know what? That's something that doesn't go away after she's gone. None of the things that she gave me throughout my life go away just because she's gone. She instilled that in me to the point where I'm always going to carry that around with me.
2nd moment - One very important thing that I've realized is, to quote a family friend, "you don't ever get over a loss like this - you just get through it and move forward the best you can." (and thank you Dean for telling me that) I'm convinced of that - I'll never be the same person that I was before. But in the end, you have to believe that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's an evolution, just like the changes that I made as an adolescent. A few things she always taught me are to never stop learning (especially about yourself), never stop improving, never stop giving yourself to others - live a life that you're proud of, be in service of others, and you'll always make the people around you proud, you'll be proud of yourself, and you absolutely CANNOT lose. Maybe for the 1st time in my life, I felt depressed after she died - needing to isolate myself for days at a time... I didn't have much joy... couldn't enjoy the things that I love about life... I still deal with those feelings now, but not to that extent. Part of the reason I've been able to recover is exactly what I said above - getting back to thinking about those important things I've learned. I learned a lot about myself through this process... realizing that helping others was going to be one of the things that got me out of that depression - and it truly helped with my healing process.
3rd moment - I know her passing has been taken hard by a lot of people, especially our close family and friends - and I knew that my #1 priority was to just to be outwardly strong, a pillar, a rock for my family and friends - helping other people through it. Her last few days, even though she couldn't communicate, I almost felt like she was telling me what to say to everyone to hopefully give them a little bit of comfort around the inevitable. Letting the people that were worried about me know that no matter what I might be feeling, that I was going to be OK. And if I'm going to be OK, you're going to be OK. I tried to convey that message at her funeral as best as I could, and I've gotten a lot of positive feedback that it really did help - I can't tell you how helpful and gratifying that has been. This was also especially important with my granddad - my mother's father. He turned 90 this year, and he's now lost 2 of his 3 kids - no parent should have to go through that - it's not fair. Trying to be present for him as much as I could was paramount to me - because I always knew it was a concern for her knowing how her father would react. Thinking about what she would want me to tell him to somehow ease the pain. I didn't know if what I told him would help, but a few months later he told me how important it was for him to hear it from me, and that I was his "hero." There isn't a single person on the planet that I have more respect for than my granddad, and for him to tell me that validated everything that I was trying to do, helped me navigate the doldrums, and I know it would have made my Mom extremely proud.
There were a lot of people that I drew strength from during this time - and again, thank all of you for the support that you've provided me and my family. I'm going to finish those "thank you" cards soon I promise! lol. But 3 in particular I could not have survived without - they don't like recognition, but they know who they are. All 3 of them are just amazing people in their own rights, and I'm so proud and honored that I get to call them family. I could literally go on and on about how much they mean to me. One more thing - the strength that I've channeled not only comes from them, but I have to say that I've never felt the presence of my Mom leave me after that last day at the hospital - it's hard to describe. I know that she'll be with me, watching out over me and my family as we make this transition into the next phase of life. I will always miss her physical presence and her comforting voice every single day, but the love that she gave me was enough for many lifetimes - and that's something that I can never miss since it'll be with me forever... I can't thank her enough for that gift that she gave me, and helping me to learn how to share that with others.
I know that was a lot for my 1st blog entry, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it was necessary. It's a story that really needs to be shared, and writing down my thoughts has been another critical part of my own personal healing process. We all go through things and handle them in our own unique ways, and this is one of mine. You might be surprised that I'm willing to share all of this with the world, but honestly, I want to. Another thing I've learned is that sharing things like this is not only part of your own healing process, but maybe there's a chance it can help other people deal with their own personal situations. If that's the case, it's more than worth it.
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